I Won't Be Left
by sadsickpeoplelikeme
Summary: Sara can't deal with her feelings for Tegan. Quincest.
1. Chapter 1

"I hate when you get like this." I can hear Tegan say behind my closed apartment door. She's been standing out there for ages, begging me to come out.

"Go away." I stammer out with a shaky voice.

"Sara..." She says sternly. I sit with my back against the door, tears in my eyes and I bang the back of my head against the door and sqeeze my eyes shut, wishing to be anyone else but me.

"Sara." I hear Tegan's voice soften. I can tell she's standing with her body against the door.

"I know you're scared even though you say that you're not." she says softly.

I open the door. An identical pair of tear stained eyes meet mine and I know I am the cause of all this trouble.

Tegan is quick to grab my body and pull it to hers. I hug her back just as hard.

"I love you, Sara. I really mean that." She says into my shoulder, and I stay silent.

I don't want to love Tegan. I know she can have someone so much better. Someone who will treat her better than I ever will.

Her lips smash into mine in a desperate kiss. My lips work against hers, tears pouring down my face. She runs her fingers through my short black hair and pushes my face against hers to get my closer. I have the feeling if we get any closer, we'll become the one person we were exactly meant to be. I begin to pull away but she wont let me go.

"No Sara, no." She says,stuggling to kiss me while I pull my face away from hers.

"Tegan, please, stop -"

"No Sara! You need me and I need you!" she yells and falls to her knees sobbing.

I stand for a minute while my apartment is enveloped with Tegan's loud sobs before I get on my knees so I can hug her.

"Why won't you let me love you?" She says between sobs and my heart aches.

"Because I'm not good enough for you." I say softly,petting her hair.

"Yes you were, you were made for me."

"But Tegan, you want to be married. You want a family. That's not me. You want the marrying type, a commitment."

"I can't help my it'll fit, it'll fit." She says in a small voice.

I kiss her lips softly and whipe aways her tears with the pads of my thumbs. I grab her by the hand and walk her to my room. She seems so lifeless, just like me. We're completely the same, yet so different.

"Just one more night." I whisper to her as I unzip her hoodie and push it off her shoulders. She looks me in the eyes and bites her lip. She lifts my oversized shirt off my frail body and her lips head for my collarbone. my bare chest heaves against her clothed one. I lift off her tshirt and my hands find their way around her torso to unhook her bra. She lets it slide to the floor. I feel so self concious next to her. I feel so thin and small next to her curvier body. I unbutton her jeans and run my hands up the sides of her thighs. She pushes me onto the bed, kissing down my body.

"So. Damn. Beautiful." She says kissing between my breasts and down to my belly button. She puts her hands on my legs and spreads them, kissing my inner thighs. I whimper, because I know what's coming next.

Tegan kisses my mound, still clothed by my underwear. She licks up and down, making my panites even wetter and finally pulls them off. I stare at the ceiling as I feel her warm, soft tounge run its way along my slit. My back arches once she hits my clit and she moans as well.

"Sara, you taste so sweet." She moans before softly pressing her tounge inside my core. I almost yell out her name but contain myself. both my hands tangle themselves in her mop of hair. I look down and see Tegans eyes staring straight into mine as she slowly licks me up and down and I bite my lip. She presses two fingers into me and kisses back up my body while pumping into me. She kisses me and I taste myself. She bites at my neck and I feel a tingling feeling build up in my lower stomach.

"T-Tegan, I'm about to cum." I say quietly into her ear, her head burried into my shoulder. Once she hears that, she fucks me even harder, until my back arches and my body begins to convulse. I lie there catching my breath with Tegan. I peel her off of me and turn us over so I'm straddling her. I meet my lips to hers. I run my hands down her naked torso and feel her nipple stiffen under my touch. She moans loudly when I lightly pull on them. I get off of her and flip her onto her stomach. I move kisses from her shoulder blades down to the dip of her back. My hands reaches behind her and feels how soaked her panites and and Tegan moans at the slightest pressure I put on her clit.

"Sara, Please." She begs. I pull her underwear down over her bum and enter her from behind. She almost screams my name when I begin to pump into her harder and faster, but she just shoves her face into the pillowe to mute her moans. That's one difference between Tegan and I. She's a noisy sex partner, while I stay quiet most of the time. I fuck Tegan into the matress, and at this point I'm surprised no ones come knocking at my door complaining about the noise. Though, I'm sure they've gotten used to it all by now.

"Oh god Sara, fuck me, fuck me fuck me" Tegan says in a high pitched voice, and I push myself to my limits, moaning along with Tegan.

"Sara!" Tegan moans as I feel her walls clench against my fingers and my hand become increasingly wet.

I collapse beside her and close my eyes. Tegan intertwines her naked body with mine and once I feel her breathing become completely steady, I cry.

I cry in bed with my nude twin sister, I cry in the silence of my apartment. I cry because I'm scared of these feelings and cry because I don't want to hurt the person I love most.

I pass out and wake up around four in the morning. Tegan is lying on the far side of my bed. She knows that I like my space when I sleep, but yet she still sleeps in my bed with me. I quietly put on some clothes and grabbed the packed suitcase I had in my cloeset. I always knew I would do this.

as I quietly walk out my bedroom, I hear a soft voice come from behind me.

"Sasa, where are you going?" Tegan asks sitting up in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. Her hair is messy.

"I can't do this, Tegan. At least not now. I'm not ready. Maybe I can love you sometime in our future, but I need time to think."

"But Sar-"

"I don't know when I'll be back, or if I'll ever be back." I say all this with my back faced towards Tegan.

"Please Sara.." She cries.

"I have to go, Tegan." I walk out my apartment and don't look back. I head to the grey hound station and buy the first ticket out of Vancouver going to Montreal.


	2. Chapter 2

_**a/n**: I figured since I have a lot of time on my hands, I'll make this into a story. c: Thanks for the kind reviews!_

It's been seven years since Sara left me nude in her bed.

It's been seven years since my twin sister talked to me.

According to our mom, Sara's doing very well. She's engaged to a beautiful girl and has a job as a small time artist over in Montreal. She's the opposite of me.

I'm a mess. I haven't been in a stable relationship in years. I went down to the states a couple years ago and fell in love with a local L.A photographer. I chased her around so much. I sufforacted her with all my attention. I wrote her poems every day and left them in her mailbox in the early mornings. Sometimes she would write replies and leave them in the mailbox for me to receive. She thanked me and told me my writing was beautiful. One day I made the mistake of knocking on her door to introduce myself. Her face dropped when she saw that I was not the prince charming she was looking for, but just a small 26 year-old woman. She felt the need to humour me though. She let me take her out on a few dates. She told me her name was Lindsey. She smiled at me and giggled whenever I told a joke. She was beautiful. After a couple weeks, she let me stay with her more frequently, until she let me move in with her completely after a couple months. I told her everything, except about how me and my twin sister were together for years. That changed when I got drunk on my birthday. I was upset because I knew somewhere out there Sara was celebrating her birthday,too. I was a crying drunk and told Lindsey everything. She threw me out on the curb the next day and told me how disgusting I was and that she never was really a dyke and tore me into pieces. She was the only person I loved like I loved Sara. And they both left me. Since then I was always drunk and had sex with anything that breathed. Sure, it wasn't healthy, but it kept me occupied.

The sun is shining through my blinds. I squint my tired eyes and turn over in my bed, only to be welcomed by another person. I shook the naked womans shoulder. She moaned and turned over to face me.

"Uh..hi." I awkwardly say as the blond tiredly looks me up and down and smirks. I look down and realized I'm naked. I pull the sheets up to my chin.

"Good morning." She says in a sweet voice.

"I'm sorry, I just don't really remember your name." I say as she begins to get out of my bed and tries to find her disgaurded clothes that are carelessly thrown all over my floor.

"I don't see why that's important." she explains while pulling a shirt over her head. "This was a one time thing." She's putting on her shoes now.

"Oh, well, that's okay I suppose." I say watching her as she walks around the room.

"You are a great lay, though. You're rather noisy." She giggles. "I'll show myself out."

And with that she leaves and I lay in bed until I hear the front door to my apartment open and close.

I get out of bed and go towards the kitchen. As I turn on the coffee maker, my phone begins to ring.

"Hello?"

"Tegan! How are you honey?" My mom asks from the other end of the phone.

"I'm fine, Mom. I just woke up actually."

"What? It's noon, Tegan."

I sigh. "Is it really?"

"Yes. Maybe you'd like to join me for lunch? I am not schedueled for any lectures at univeristy today, so I figured I'd hang out with my daughter."

"You have another one too, you know." I roll my eyes.

I hear my mom giggle.

"Yes honey, but you're much closer than my other daughter."

"Fine okay, I'll meet you for lunch."

I find myself driving to the nearest pancake house 15 minutes later ( after a much needed shower).

I park my car in the shitty parking lot and walk into the resturaunt. It's full of cannadians wearing thick jackets and hats. I never wear them, I never seem to get cold anymore. I see my mom at a table and she waves me over. I stop in my tracks when I see who is seated across from her.

"Hey Teetee, long time no see." Sara says from the booth, with a smug smile, bowl cut and all.

All I remember from that point is collapsing to the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

As I step on my plane, my stomach lurches and my plams begin to get sweaty.

I'm going to visit my mother for a little while. I know she wants me to see Tegan. Apparently she's been a mess these past few years.

How long has is been since I've even spoken to her? Seven years?

I never told my mom why me and Tegan stopped talking. She just said "I really wish you two wouldn't fight, but if that's what will keep the peace between you two, then so be it." I still have to remind her that me and Tegan and thirty year old women now, and not two fist fighting teenagers.

I read on the plane for hours. I'm rereading an old favorite : The Hotel New Hampshire. It always made me think of Tegan. I made her read it after I did. She came to my door at three in the morning and fucked me right there in my doorway after she finished it. I figured maybe we could get it out of our systems like the brother and sister in the book did. But, we didn't. I tried to distance myself from Tegan,but I couldn't. She made me feel so calm and stressed at the same time. She gave me such great sex, and loved me so much. But, we're older now. I'm sure these things never even cross mind. She's probably busy partying, while I'm busy with an actual job and planning my wedding.

After what seems like a century, my plane lands in Vancouver. I'm met by my mother with her arms wide open and tears in her eyes.

"Sara, it's been too long." she says hugging my small stature.

"I know,Mom. I've missed you."

She pulls away and looks at me.

"Your breasts! Where did they go?!" She says surprised and I turn crimsion red and cross my arms over my chest.

"Mom, I'm a grown woman, please don't say things like that..." I'm still trying to recover from the embaressment as my mom takes my suitcase and leads me to her car.

"So how's Emy?" She asks while we drive home.

"Oh, She's great!" I smile. "She's so excited about planning our wedding, we just need to get her paperwork taken care of."

I met Emy at an artschool in Montreal. I was lost and she knew where I needed to go. Once she flashed her big, beautiful smile at me, I knew she was going to mine some way some how. She drew me cards and slipped them underneath my dorm rooms door. I remember the first time she invited me to her room. She showed me all her cd's and we listened to music for hours. I kissed her and she giggled, grabbed my face, and smashed my lips into hers. She's one of the most talented artists I know, and now she makes album art for musicians. I paint, but it doesn't do much to pay the bills. I make a political comic or two sometimes for our local newspaper, but that's about it. I proposed to Emy a year or so ago, and we've finally decided to start planning our wedding. She's so cute, the way she brings home all these wedding magazines and is looking for the perfect dress. I'm going to miss sleeping next to her everynight and reading books in bed together before we fall asleep.

"That's good to hear! Has she become some sort of bridezilla yet?" my mom chuckled.

"No, not at all. You know what Emy is like. She's so calm and collected, unlike me."

"Well then I'm glad you found a good counterpart to yourself." My mom smiled while still looking at the road.

"Are you hungry at all?" She asked as my stomach made a loud gurgling sound.

"...I guess I am."

"Okay great! I know the perfect place!" my mom said as she got her phone out and dialed a number.

"Tegan, How are you honey?" I heard my mom say to the phone, and my heart stopped.

"Maybe you'd like to join me for lunch? I am not schedueled for any lectures at univeristy today, so I figured I'd hang out with my daughter..."

Mom giggles at something in response to Tegan.

"Yes honey, but you're much closer than my other daughter."

She hung up the phone with a smile.

"Guess who's joining us for a meal?" She says enthusiastically. The blood drains from my face annd my heart begins to pound so loud I'm sure my mom can hear it.

"Sara, are you okay?"

"I'm just a little nervous..." I say in a small voice.

"How long has it been since you've even spoken to your sister?" She asks concerned.

"About seven years or so..." I say quietly.

"SARA! are you serious?! Tegan is your TWIN SISTER! how can you two not speak to eachother for that long?!"

"I don't know mom, I don't know."

"Well hopefully while you're here you can resolve the fight you two are in and be sisters and love eachother again." my mom says as we pull into an old pancake house me and Tegan used to come to all the time.

The last part of her sentence stuck to me. To love Tegan again. I've always loved her, but, I don't think I'd see her in the same light as I did all those years ago. We were only 23 back then.

My mom and I find a booth to sit in and look over the menus.

"Tegan over here!" I hear my mom yell and wave. My heart is poounding in my throat as I see someone who looks exactly like me walk towards our table. She stops dead in her tracks when she sets her eyes on me. She goes pale and I blush.

"Hey Teetee, long time no see." I smile up at her behind my bangs which are starting to grow over my eyes.

She faints and falls right to the floor. I hear my mom scream and go over to my sister who is passed out on the floor. She yells for help and a big burly man comes over and lifts Tegan off the floor as if she were just a tiny doll and helps bring her to my mother's car. I sit in the back seat of the car with Tegan's head on my lap, brushing her hair away from my face. She hasn't aged a day since I've seen her. Her hair isn't black anymore. She still kept her labaret in after all these years. I run a finger across her bottom lip and then touch my own. They fit so perfectly together, they're the same exact pair of lips as mine. She looks so beautiful, even though she's such a wreck. We pull into our mom's driveway and we hoist Tegan out of the car and managed to carry her into the spare bedroom (which will be the room I'm staying in). My mom leaves to go make some tea, but I told her I'm rather tired and would like a to take a nap. She smiles sadly and leaves the room. I lay next to an unconcious Tegan on the fullsized bed. I face towards her and look at her profile. I smile and fall asleep next to her. We haven't been in the same bed for seven years.


	4. Chapter 4

I open my eyes. It's dark in the room I'm in. Obviously it's not my own. My mom must of brought me back to her place after I passed out. Why did I pass out anyways? All I remember is walking into the resturaunt, seeing my mom wave me over, then hitting the floor.

I stretch my arms out and stretch, but my outstretched hand hits another person. I turn on the lamp on the nightstand next to me and gasp. Right next to me is a sleeping Sara Quin. She looks so different. Her short black hair was now brown and she has a bowlcut . On most people it would look odd, but Sara makes it look perfect. She is so thin. She looks like a doll. I'm afraid to lay a finger on her, she may break. I'm sure she's the same Sara I loved a long time ago. I'm sure her smile is the same, her voice as well. I look at her face. No sign of aging what-so-ever. She still has the scar from the labaret piercing she used to have. The chicken pox scars on her forehead. The scar she had from her eyebrowpiercing. Does she have any new freckles that I don't know about? I want to take off all her clothes and just study her. I want to kiss her. Though, I'm sure she wouldn't like that. She's moved on, has a fiance. I'm just her distant twin sister who she hasn't spoken a word to in what seems like forever. I sigh heavily, and Sara begins so stir in her sleep. Her eyes flutter open. I stare at her until she says something.

"Glad to see you're awake and fine." She says to me with a smile. My insides melt into a puddle when she flashed her crooked smile. I want to cry.

"Hi Sa-" was all I could get out before I began to cry. Sara layed in the bed watching me cry. She took her time before she realized she should comfort me.

"Shhh,shh, Tee don't cry. It's okay." She says inching closer to me and putting her hand on my back, rubbing small circles to calm me down.

"W-why did you leave?" I choked out and looked at her with wet eyes. She was just a blur to me.

"Tegan, you and I both know. That was the past." She says awkwardly.

"NO SARA. You just don't leave me in your bed at four in the morning to live on the other side of the fucking country!" I yell at her and I cry harder. She just sat next to me, staring off into space, rubbing circles in my back and waited for me to stop crying. As my sobs began to subside and reduce to only sniffles she said something.

"I was a coward." She said softly and I looked at her.

"You could've called or written me." I said quietly.

She closed her eyes.

"I just wanted to get over you,okay? I knew that if you kept in touch with me I would never move on and, you know what, I did move on and I'm happy now. Why haven't you?"

I know she didn't mean to sound as harsh as it did, but it stung.

"I just never loved someone as much as I loved you." I said in a broken voice. "I think I still do."

She sighed.

"Tegan, there comes a time in our lives when we need to grow up. I think it's time you do that. What we had was lovely, but, we're sisters. And our 'relationship' would've headed no where." She says. stings just as much as the last sentence she said.

She sighs and gets out of the bed and walks to leave the room.

"You know Tegan, just because two people are soulmates, doesn't mean they'll always be together."

She leaves the bedroom.

_**a/n:** Thank you for the kind reviews! keep them coming! tell me what you like or don't like! c: thankyouthankyouthankyou_


	5. Chapter 5

I walk into the bathroom and close the door. I leave the lights off. I fall with my back against the door and sob. How could she do this to me? Why does she even still love me? I'm her sister. There's better people out there than me. There's so many people that would love Tegan. Or at least the Tegan that I once knew. She was goofy and had the best laugh and always made me smile. But then she could be serious as well, like when she was reading a good book, she would sit on my couch for hours at a time fully concentrated on a book, with her reading glasses and her eyebrows knitted together. I would bring her tea every now and then and kiss her forehead while I read my own book. That's one thing I loved about us, we would just read together a lot. I put on some good music, sometimes got out a bottle of wine, and curled up on the couch across from Tegan and just read. She is quite the intellectual, some people just don't realize it because of her bubbly personality. She's beautiful as well. With her short brown hair in curly whisps, her little beauty mark on her left cheek. She's gorgeous, much prettier than me. I'm so thin and lanky. I look weak. Tegan has such a strong, square jaw along with curves and muscle. She's so much better off than me, I hate to see her destroy herself like this.

"Sara" She knocked on the door.

"Please, leave me alone." I say in a broken voice.

"Sara" she says softly and I feel like the 23 year old seven years ago with her back against her apartments front door, her twin sister on the other side begging to come in.

I open the door and throw myself onto Tegan, embracing her as hard as I could to make up for all the lost years of touching that I've missed. I run my fingers through her soft hair and close my eyes.

"I've missed you." I say into her shoulder. I always thought about her. She was always on my mind.

"I've missed you too, Sasa." She sniffles.

"It's nice to see you two hugging." I jerk out of my teary state to see my mom looking at me and Tegan from the other side of the small hallway. She sees that she startled me.

"I just heard some yelling and figured I might need to break something up before it got out of hand, but I see you two are happy together." She smiles tiredly. It must be at least three in the morning.

"Yeah mom, we're very happy." Tegan smiles at her and my moms face shines as she comes over to us and opens up her arms wide enough to join in on our hug.

"I love you both so much." She says and kisses both our foreheads like we were children again.

She gives us one last squeeze before leaving upstairs, back to her room.

I realized I still had my arms wrapped around Tegan's waist while her arms were thrown loosely around my neck. I look her in the eyes and smile. I can almost feel her jolt of excitement run through my body as she smiles back and she leans in to kiss my forehead. I let go of her and we go back to the spare room. I begin to take off my clothes and change into pajama pants and an over sized sweater. I feel self conscious as Tegan watches me while she takes off her own shirt and unzips her pants to reveal her black boyshorts. I blush lightly and we head for the bed and lay down and look at eachother at the exact same time, as if our body's are already synchronizing again like they used to be long ago. I look into her eyes and she looks into mine. She has some dark circles under her eyes. She looks so exhausted.

"Tegan, why are you fucking yourself up like this? when was the last time you were in a stable relationship?" I asked her.

"I was in one a couple years ago, but she dumped me once I told her about us when I was drunk." She looked pained and I felt sorry for asking.

"What was her name?"

"Lindsey."

I think back and I kind of remember mom mentioning something about a girl named Lindsey and how she wasn't so fond of her because she felt she may just be leading Tegan on.

"How's..uhm..Emily..? Is that her name?" Tegan asked.

I felt myself blush a little and smile.

"She's fine. We're Engaged, you know."

"Yeah, mom told me." Tegan says. She sounds a little annoyed.

"Will you be coming to my wedding?" I ask. She is hesitant to answer.

"Of course I'll be coming. I'm your twin sister. It's my job to be there for you." She says with a slight smile.

"I'm sorry I haven't let you be in my life for such a long time." I apologize to her.

"It doesn't matter. Like you said, that was all that past. We can start over." She smiles weakly at me. I know she's trying. The way she's tapping her foot. Playing with her hands. I know how hard she's trying to contain herself. How hard she's trying to not kiss me. I think it's silly. She shouldn't want to do that to me. She shouldn't want to grab me by the sides of my face and kiss me. She shouldn't want to rub her hands all over my nude body.

"Sara, did you ever stop loving me?" She interrupts the silence.

"I'll always love you, you're my sister. I'm almost obligated to love you...not that I feel that I am though..." I awkwardly chuckle and she frowns a little. I can't humor her. I've gotten over her a while back, it's time for her to get over me.

I sigh heavily, because I know I'm going to always seem like the bad guy in our situation.

"Tegan, why do you still love me? I think it's silly. That was long, long ago and I fee like you need to move on." I explain to her. She's lying there silently with wet eyes. I grab one of her hands.

"I know how hard it must be to stop loving someone, but, I'll always be here for you. I love you so much, but even you should know that we can't be lovers."

Tears start to run their way down her face.

"Sara do you want to know why I've never gotten over you?" She asks. I squeeze her hand tighter.

"It's because being with you was the happiest I've ever been. I've been so miserable without you here, it became so hard to wake up everyday knowing you weren't just an apartment away." She sobbed.

"I've tried to stop, I really have. It's held me back for so long. I figure if I can't have you, then I'll try to find someone else who will actually love me, so I just sleep around to try and fill the void. At those very moments I just like to pretend that the person fucking me may love me in the slightest bit. I'm just not meant to be alone like you." She's crying now.I move myself closer to her in the bed and hold her until she stops crying.

"I've hated life for so long, but I kept going because I knew that some where inside you, you would care if I ended it all." she says, hiccuping.

I want to die. How can she think that after I left I just completely forgot about her? I thought about her everyday, wondering if she was okay without me, wondering what book she may be reading, wondering what she was doing every birthday that we didn't spend together.

I begin to cry to.

She slings her arm over me and we both cry until we became so exhausted that we passed out.


	6. Chapter 6

Sara and I woke up the next day in eachothers arms. She was softly brushing my hair out of my face as my eyes began to open. She smiled at me and I felt what seemed like a million butterflies begin to flutter in my stomach. Why does she do this to me? Why does she just touch me like this and hug me? She knows how hard I try not to kiss her hold her hand, why would she do this? I know she see's them as little acts of innocence, but they mean so much more to me.

I savor the moment of lying in bed with Sara, with her delicate fingers running though my waves of hair before I get up and walk into my moms kitchen. It turns out that she had a lecture or two to do down at the university today, and left Sara and I to ourselves.

"Good morning." Sara says walking out of the room. Her hair is a mess and she looks so tiny in her oversized sweater. I'm in my underwear.

"Aren't you cold?" She asks me while going to put on the coffee maker.

I feel the cold air of the house hit my skin, but it doesn't affect me very much. I shake my head in response to her as I hop onto the counter.

"I don't think mom would like the fact that your placing your dirty butt on her counter tops." Sara laughs at me and pushes me off the counter. I laugh as well.

"So I haven't been in town for quite a long time." Sara says as she stirs some sugar into her coffee.

"Why don't we catch a metro to downtown and go to all out favorite places?" she asks behind her coffee mug.

"Well sure, it wouldn't hurt taking a stroll down memory lane." I smiled at her.

Great. Fucking great. This days going to be downright painful.

I make my way back to Sara's room to put on my clothes from yesterday.

"You can borrow something of mine."She says from the doorway. She walks into the room and opens her luggage. She pulls out a Blue polka dotted button up and a pair of jeans.

"I think the jeans may be a tiny bit snug, but the shirt should fit fine." She says handing them to me.

She was right, the jeans were pretty tight,but at least I can still breath and don't have a severe muffin top. I button up the last button on the shirt and look up to see Sara stepping into a pair of jeans. She takes off her sweater and replaces with with a smaller white one and puts on a pair of brown oxfords as I slip on the boots I was wearing yesterday.

"Ready to go?" I ask Sara as I head for the front door. She smiles and nods and we're out the door, heading to the metro stop. A little while after it reaches us and it's nearly empty. We sit next to eachother. Our knees are touching. I begin to tremble.

"Tegan, are you okay?" She asks.

"Yes, of course." I reassure her.

The metro stops a couple more times and a few more people pile in. We finally reach downtown Vancouver and Sara heads straight to a small coffee shop we used to frequently go to.

"I haven't been around here in so long, but I still feel like I know this place like the back of my hand." She says as she grabs me by the wrist and power walks me over to the little shop.

"But didn't you just drink some coffee?" I ask as she looks over the menu above.

"The days just started." She smiles and winks at me. I can feel myself go weak at the knees.

She places her order and offers to buy me something, but I decline.

We take a seat at the same spot that we used to sit at together. a table for two in the back of the shop with the comfiest chairs. There's even book shelves back here, for the people here who plan on staying a while. Even after Sara left, I would sit back here and just be sad by myself, staring at the empty seat she once used to occupy. I think I actually came in here last week and bought some tea.

"Well hi..Tegan, is it?" I hear someone say from behind me. It's the blond girl who was in my bed a day or two ago.

"Hi." I smiled at her. "You still never told me your name." I tell her and she giggles.

"It's Kat." She says she looks at Sara.

"Oooh, is this your sister? I think I remember you mentioning something about her when I was with you." She says enthusiastically. Oh god, what did I say to her?

"Tegan sure seemed to miss you a lot. I'm sure she's really happy that you're back." Kat says in Sara's direction. "She just wouldn't stop talking about you." Sara blushes.

"I'm happy to hear she's missed me." Sara adds to the conversation and I sit there awkwardly.

Kat smiles then looks back down at me.

"Since we had such a good time the other night, maybe we can get together again?" Kat asks. I awkwardly smile and nod. She grabs my hand and writes her number on it.

"call me whenever you want to get together!" She says and walks out the door, coffee in hand.

I sit there silently staring into space.

"She seemed nice... was she just another one night stand?" Sara asks. I nod. I could really use a drink.  
"What time is it, Sara?"

"Uhm.." she pulls her blackberry from her pocket and looks at it. "Its about 11 o'clock."

I sigh. It's way too early to drink.

"Tegan?" she asks, biting her lip and twisting her coffee cup on the table.

"Yes?"

"Can we just stay, sit on one of the couches here, and read?"

My heart feels warm and a big smile spreads across my face.

"Of course."

We both get up from our table and scope the book shelves for a good book then head back to the couch. Sara on one side, me on the other. Time passes, and after what seems like hours, I look over at Sara and see that she's curled into a small ball on the edge of the couch, asleep with the book in her hands. It's look out one of the windows and see that the sun is about to set.

"Sara wake up." I say shaking her a shoulder lightly. She inhales deeply and and rubs the sleep from her eyes. "We should get something to eat then take you back to moms." I said. She frowns a little.

"Why can't you come back to moms with me?" She asks.

"Well I have my own place to live." I chuckle.

"Can't I stay with you tonight?" She asks. I feel weird. Usually I'm the clingy one out of the two of us.

"I mean sure, if you would like to." I say and I grab her hand to help her off the couch. We leave the coffee shop and the weather outside is lovely. It's not too hot outside, but it's not very cold either. We walk to a stand we also used to frequently visit, a small hot dog stand. Once we buy them, Sara moans as she takes her first bite.

"Oh god, they're just as good as I remember." She says while whiping mustard from the side of her mouth. I take a bite of mine and smile. People passing by look at us. I'm sure it must be a weird sight seeing two adult twin sisters hanging out like this. Like we're still teenagers, sitting on the curb and stuffing our faces with hotdogs and laughing.

We get up and walk back to the metro stop, and I sling my arm around Sara's shoulder. She puts her arm around my waist, and in that moment I felt so happy. I didn't feel the need to be drunk or high. I felt normal.

The sun is starting to set over downtown Vancouver when the train finally comes to take us back home.

We step into mom's house and she rushes over to us.

"Where have you two been all day?!" She asks in an angry voice.

"Mom, calm down. We've been downtown." Sara says before I can say anything.

"Well you could've at least left a note..." My mom says still a little peeved.

"Sorry mom." I say with my head hung a little. "Could you drive me back to the pancake house? My car is still there, and I think I should be heading home."

"Oh" she looks down sadly. "Well, alright."

"I'm staying with Tegan tonight." Sara blurts out.

"Oh... will you at least be back tomorrow? I haven't seen you in so long, I'd like to get some time in before you head back to Montreal.." Mom responds. She's trying to guilt trip Sara.

"Yes, of course I will." Sara smiles at mom and she grabs her keys and drives us to the pancake house. Sara and I say bye to mom and head for my car. The restaurant is still open, its warm light casting shadows on the dark parking lot. I drive Sara and I back to my apartment in silence.

"Well at least you moved out the the shitty place we lived in." Sara says.

"They weren't that bad.." I say laughing a little.

We walk up to my apartment and I turn on the living room lights. I feel embarrassed because I haven't cleaned in so long.

"Tegan...this place is a mess." She says.

"Yeah...sorry about it...I never guaranteed a clean home." I said smirking at her.

"Is your bedroom this dirty..?" She asks and I point her in the direction of my room. She turns on the light and looks around.

"Well, it's not that bad, the beds just unmade and there's some clothes on the floor but that's about i-" She stops and starts to blush. She looks at me.

"...What?" I ask laughing a little. She points in the direction of my nightstand. There's a bright purple strap on and a little bottle of lube sitting upon it, I guess from the night I had Kat over.

"Oh god." I say rushing over and throw it back into the drawer. "I didn't really expect any company and didn't have time to clean up since Kat's been over..." I know how red my face must be, my face feels so hot. Sara just smiles a little and looks down to the floor, pink still on her face.

"Would you like to sleep in here and I can sleep on the couch? I know that you like your space." I ask her trying to change the subject.

" I mean I would hate to kick you out your bed in your own house. We can share the bed? I mean it's queen sized, and we're two tiny, so I suppose there's enough space for us both.." She says and I smile on the outside, but dread this. It's an innocent act, Tegan. She doesn't want you to fuck her. She just offered to share the bed.

"That sounds fine." I say. She begins to rid of her clothes, just in her white bra with matching panties. I also rid of my clothes. We climb into the bed, laying side by side, staring at the ceiling.

"Thank you for today." I tell her.

" Thank you for being to nice to me." She says and turns over to face me. I do the same.

"Of course I would be nice to you, I love you." I say.

" I love you too, Tegan." she says and leans in to kiss my forehead.

My stomachs twisting and I feel my eyes well with tears. Why can't she be in love with me like she was when we were young? Why can't I just be happy? I try to hold in the tears but I accidentally let out a loud sob and break.

"I'm sorry, Sara." I say and turn my back to her. She shifts closer to me and rubs circles on my back.

"It'll be okay, Teetee. You've had a long day, I think you need some rest." She says, like a reassuring mother.

I just nod with my back to her, sniffling and closing my eyes to the touch of Sara's small and slender hand on my back. I drift off to a deep sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

_Tegan pushes me down onto my bed and crawls on top of me. She still has a party hat on and her breath smells strongly of booze when she leans down to kiss me. I can still hear the ringing of our friends singing happy birthday to us in my ears. Tegan moves her lips from mine and places soft kisses along my jaw line._

_"So Sara.." She says before nipping at my pulse point. I moan softly. "How does it feel to finally be 21?" Tegan asks between kisses. She puts her hands up my shirt._

_"Mmm, I could ask you the same thing." I tell her. She ends up getting impatient and taking my shirt and bra off completely. She kisses my left breast soflty before she swirls her tounge around my nipple and takes in into her mouth. my hands reach for the sheets beneath me and I arch my back, her hands moving down my smooth, pale lower stomach and undoing my pants, pulling them down just enough so my pelvis is uncovered. I'm drunk and horny. Soaked through my panties. She pulls them down as well, mouth still licking along my chest. The room instantly smells of sex when my core hits the chilly air of the room. The tempetrue seems to steadily increase, though. She runs her middle finger along my slit, collecting my juices, and then licking her finger off, looking me in the eyes while I look back at her, my eyes half lidded and glazed over with lust. I whimper as I see her hand make its way back down. She dips two fingers into me and moves them in and out of me at agonizingly slow pace._

_"Tegan, please." I beg. "Faster, harder. Please." I moan out. She smirks._

_"Anything for the birthday girl." She says innocently._

_"Tee, it's your birthday as wel-" was all I got to say before almost screaming her name when she begins pumping into me so fast, I know I'm about to cum._

_"Sara," She panted " You never told me how it feels to finally be 21." _

_My lower stomach is tingling and the feeling is building up quickly. My eyes roll into the back of my head and my nouth is ajar._

_"It feels so fucking good." I whimper out._

"Sara.." I hear Tegan say distantly.

"Fuck Tegan, I'm gonna cum." I moan out.

"...Sara? Wake up..." She shakes my shoulder. My eyes jolt open and everything is blurry. Once my eyes focus, I'm met with a concerned Tegan Quin.

"I, I was dreaming..." I say to my self, panting, a small amount of sweat coating my forhead and chest.

"Yes, you were..." Tegan says. I almost forgot she was there. I blush immediately.

"Was I talking in my sleep?" I ask trying to not look her in the eyes.

" Well... You were tossing and turning, which woke me up. Then you started to moan. I didn't really want to disturb you, but then you started to get louder and louder so I figured I should just wake you up."

"Oh.." I say awkwardly. I feel a wet stickiness on my thighs, I can't get out of bed in just my underwear and let Tegan see this.. I can't believe I had a fucking wet dream. What am I, a teenager?

Tegan and I sit in the bed in silence.

" I guess I'll let you get yourself dressed and settled." She says, leaving the room.

I've been staying with Tegan for the past week. My mom stops by and we all hang out like she wants, but I always end up back here at night, sharing bottles of wine with Tegan, and falling asleep in bed with her. Not that we didn't get along before, but, there hasn't been any fighting between us at all. We just get along so well, a little too well. I change into a new set of under wear and slip on a dark striped shirt and some jeans.

I walk into Tegan's living room and there's confetti all over the coffee table and on top of it all is a small wrapped box.

"Happy birthday." Tegan whispers in my ear behind me and I nearly jump into the air.

"Tegan! it's you're birthday as well, I don't know why you only act as if it were just mine. You were even the first one born!" I chuckle as she pushes me towards the table.

"Open your present!" She says with the biggest smile on her face.

I eagerly pick up the gift and sit on her couch and begin to carefully unwrap the box.

"Oh god, tear it open!" She says, plopping herself on the couch next to me.

I do as she says and rip the remaining paper off the box with an eager smile on my face.

I open the box and inside is a framed picture of Tegan and I on our 21st birthday. We're sitting in front of our cake, her arms wrapped around me from behind, and me looking down and smiling. God, I can't believe this was taken 10 years ago. I smile to myself and look at Tegan.

"This is lovely." I say to her.

"I hope you like it, I just thought you'd enjoy the sentiment."

"I really, really do. I actually had a dream about this last night."

"oh...OH. That's what you were dreaming about..." She says and a blush covers her cheeks immediately. She must remember what went on that night as well.

I laugh a little and look back at the picture.

"So, 31 eh?" She says and gets up off the couch. I set the picture on the table and prop it up.

"Yes, 31. Do you feel any older?" I ask as she stretches. She winces a little when she stretches her arms a little too high whilst bending backwards.

"I think the age is getting to me." She says and pats her stomach.

We stand in silence for a minute and then my phone begins to ring in my pocket.

"Hello?"

"Happy birthday, Honey!" My mom almost yells on the other side of the line.

"Thanks, Mom."

"Is Tegan by you? Tell her I said happy birthday to her as well."

I take my ear away from the receiver. "Mom says happy birthday."

"Gotcha." Tegan says from the kitchen, pouring herslef a cup of coffee.

"So, what are you guys doing tonight?" she asks.

"Most likely spending it with you, I assume?" I tell her.

"You assumed right! I'm treating you both to dinner, so wear something nice. I'll call Tegan in a little bit and tell her where the returaunt is."

"Oh, alright Mom."

"Okay Sara, I'll see you later. Love you sweetie, byebye."

I hang up the phone and lay down on the couch. Tegan's phone rings from the kitchen.

"Oh, Hi Mom." I hear her say and I smile to myself.

A couple minutes later, Tegan sits ontop of my legs on the couch.

"So what should we do today? It's our birthday, afterall." Tegan asks while playing with her labaret.

"How about we do something wholesome? I feel like I'm going to get drunk off my ass tonight, so I think it would be appropriate to do something morally right before I flush it all down the toilet."

"Naaaah, that sounds boring." She gets up off my legs. "Let me go get dressed and we'll go take a drive some where."

Tegan drives us to a lake we used to go to as kids. Some people are gathered around the swimming hole, kids swimming, and adults lying in the sun.

"Tegan, I didn't bring a bathing suit." I said matter of factly.

"We don't have to swim," she says "We can sit here and enjoy the view."

And that's what we did. We sat in a secluded area of the beach, just enjoying eachothers company.

"I've really been enjoying spending all this time with you, Tee." I say as she lays on her back, napping in the sun, while I'm laying on my elbows, looking at the scenery.

"I've been enjoying it, too." She replies. "I really love you, Sara."

"I love you too, Tegan." I say and lay on my back. We lie in silence.

"There's so many memories on this stupid lake." I say outloud, but more to myself.

"I had my first kiss here." Tegan says.

"Really? With who? I never kept track on your boyfriends, you seemed to have a lot."

She cringes a little and makes a gagging noise. "It was with Steve Holt."

"Oh yeaahh, now I remember." I say laughing to myself thinking about awkward 16 year old Tegan kissing boys.

"I remember taking my first girlfriend here on our first date." I said.

"That's cute. Wait, didn't I come a long? I feel like we double dated."

"I think so... was it even a date? Wasn't it just a bonfire where we all got fucked up on E?"

"Probably." She laughed. "That happened a lot back then."

"Yeah I think I even got lucky that night." I laugh. I think that was the first time I had sex. The more I think of it, the more clearly I remember that night.

I was 16 and I had my first girlfriend ever. We weren't very open about our relationship, most likely because I was such a loser in highschool. Her name was Sam. She had a body similar to Tegan's, only an inch or two taller than me. I think that's why I liked her so much, she made me think of Tegan. She was 18, though. She knew a lot more about relationships than I ever did, so I oddly clung to her, which is probably the reason she dumped me three months into our relationship. Her, Tegan, Tegan's boyfriend and I went to this bonfire together. Sam said it was our first date as we sat next to the fire together, hand in hand. My long banger hair was in a pony tail and I was wearing pants with the legs about 3 feet in width. I don't know how I got her, but she seemed to like me in the beginning. She leaned in and kissed me and I smiled and kissed her back. Her lip piercing rubbed against my lip as they worked together, and it made me think about what it would be like to kiss Tegan, her having her labaret piercing.

"Ewwww, get a room." Tegan says to Sam and I from the other side of the circle around the bonfire. She's one to talk, her hands are all over her boyfriend when no one is looking.

Sam sticks her tounge out at Tegan.

"Babe, lets go some where else." She whispers in my ear then leads me further down the shore. She farther we walk from the fire, more stars seem to appear in the sky. She stops and we lay down on the beach,her head lying on my chest, and I look at the stars. Sam was so lovely.

She leaned up and planted kisses along my jawline. I closed my eyes and bit my lip. I'm sure she could hear how fast my heart was beating, because she giggled and placed her hand over my heart. She bit down on my neck and I accidentally moaned too loud.

"Shhh." she said with a smile on her face.

Her hand covered my mouth while the other dipped into my pants. She rubbed circles around my clit until she figured I was went enough to enter.

"Sara, you're so tight." She moaned into my ear while she thrusted two fingers into me. This has never happened to me before, it was totally new. Not that I never masturbated, but having someone else do the job for you was just so, sexy. My chest began to heave and my breathing became unsteady and I was moaning loudly behind Sam's hand. I began to climax, and I bit down on her hand and she moaned with me. She removed her hand from my pants and licked her fingers clean.

"Mmm, Sara." she said, looking me in the eye and swirling her tounge around her fingers.

I bit my lip and watched her, my eyes still glazed over from lust. I pinned her to the ground and strattled her, looking down into her eyes. She looked back at me and smiled.

"Well? What are you gonna do to me?" She asked and I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I had no idea what I was doing.

" Well you can start by doing this..." she said and grabbed my hands and put them underneath her shirt so I was cupping her breasts. They we're soft and small, like my own. I leaned down and kissed her, my tounge sliding into her mouth, the taste of myself swirled around in our saliva, and my hands rubbing and sqeezing her chest. I moved my kisses down her face and lifted her shirt up enough so I could lick and kiss her boobs all I wanted. I took one of her nipples into my mouth and she tangled her fingers into my hair and moaned softlly. I kept at that for a little but eventually went back up to kiss her, where she kissed me heatedly and sloppily.

"What do I do now?" I panted into her ear. She took my hand once more and licked and sucked two of my fingers. I felt a jolt of heat rush down to my core. She unbuttoned and unzipped her pants and placed my hand above her pelvic bone.

"You're going to fuck me." She said and I moaned softly.

"A-are you sure?"

"Sara, fuck. me. now." She said and shoving my hand into her panties. I tried to imitate what she did to me, and her hands clawed at my back once My fingers found their way inside her. I was scared I would mess something up, so I was slow at first until she demanded I go faster. I put my whole body into it, my chest moving up against hers, both of us panting and whimpering together until she came, my name excaping her lips. I bit my lip and looked at her as she came down from her climax,she was so beautiful. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. I smiled back and she buttoned up her pants as we made our way back to the fire.

"Sara?" Tegan shook me awake for the second time today.

" Come on Sara, if we wanna get ready for dinner, we better leave now so we have enough time to make ourselves look decent." She said helping me up. I could feel the sunburn on my face.

"How long were we here?" I asked her as we made our way back to the car.

"A few hours. We both fell asleep,we probably looked like bums." She laughed and I chuckled too,

We walk by a few trees with carvings in them.

S+S is carved on the tree, inside a heart. There's a slash going through it.

Next to it is a heart that says T+S. I stop to look at it. I don't ever remember carving mine and Tegan's innitials into the tree.

"Tegan,when did you do this?" She looks at it and smiles.

"I'm not sure, but it sure is cute."

"Yeah." I say and we continue walking. "Cute."


	8. Chapter 8

The car drive was silent. Did I say something wrong?

"Sar, are you okay?" I asked, and she nodded, still staring out the window.

I sigh. It's our birthday, why does she have to act like this? I just don't understand.

When we finally get home the sun is beginning to lower it's self in the sky. The first day of fall is in a few days.

Sara gets out the car and heads to my room and to her suitcase. She pulls out a nice pair of black pants, a loose white button up,and a cropped leather jacket. I just head to the shower and turn it to a scalding Temperture. I rid of my clothes and stand step into the water, letting it beat onto my face, and the front of my body. _"Don't let her get to you." _I think to myself. _"She's being selfish. She's acting mean and distant on your birthday, the first one you've spent together in years. Don't let her get you down". _I begin to get really angry. How could she do this to me? I've been so happy having her here and she's acting totally selfish and ruining it all for me. I get out the shower and dry off. I look into the mirror and my skin is pink. I wrap a towel around me and walk back into my room where Sara is buttoning up her shirt. She doesn't even look at me. I head towards my dresser, with my back to her and drop my towel. The soft thump on the floor made her look up, I know it. I can feel her eyes burning though my naked form. I slip on a pair of underwear, then a matching bra and walk towards my closet. I pick out some black slacks, an oversized shirt and a blazer. I put them on with my back still towards Sara. I check the time on my phone and we still have an hour or so before we leave.

I head to the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of wine and stand against the counter, taking small sips of the red liquid. I haven't tasted alcohol in a week and I've missed it. I promised myself I wouldn't get drunk around Sara, because I can tell it upsets her when I get too fucked up. But I knew that if I drank even the littlest bit, I'd want more, so I cut it out my diet completely.

"Drinking, I see?" Sara says in the doorway of the kitchen. My stomach begins to knot up in anger.

I hum "mhhmm" at her and take another sip.

"Well don't get too drunk, you're gonna have to drive us to meet mom soon."

"GOD DAMMIT, SARA!" I yell at her and she looks at me with a blank expression.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL!?" I ask getting into her face. She keeps quiet and still stares at me. She's barricaded against the kitchen counter. I shove her but she doesn't flinch.

"You're so fucking selfish." I say with a trembling voice, trying not to cry

"How the fuck am I selfish?" she defends herself.

"Because! It's our fucking birthday and you're giving me the silent treatment, you're so rude!" I yell at her letting tears of frustration fall down my cheeks.

"Oh I'm selfish and rude because I won't fuck you?!" She yells. It's silent after that. I stare her in the face. I want to punch her. We're wearing the same exact angry expressions and my body is pushed flush against hers and I want to kiss her. I want to hit her.

"I just wanted to be happy for one fucking day." I whisper sadly. "ONE FUCKING DAY." I scream at her.

"What, you wanted me to pretend to be in love with you again? Hmm? Is that what you wanted, Tee?" She asks puffing out her chest and pushing against me so I walk backwards until my lower back hits against the opposite counter.

"We'', I can't fucking do that. I can't play your little games. I don't want to live a fucking lie." She says venomously. I let out a sob in the silence.

"Don't come to me with your fucking alligator tears, I've had enough of your fucking crying." She says. I cry more. She shoves my shoulders.

"Stop crying." She says forcefully. The tears won't stop. She shoves me again.

"Stop fucking crying, Tegan." She says, her voice cracks when she says my name. She grabs me by the soulders and shakes me this time.

"STOP FUCKING CRYING!" She yells with tears running down her own face. She turns away from me and puts her hands over her face, tears dripping through her fingers.

"I thought it would all be different." She sobbed.

"I thought that maybe, just maybe, you'd be over me and we could finally be normal and happy, but I don't know if that'll ever change." She hiccuped. "But you're slow to letting me go, and I just, I can't deal with this, Tegan. I don't want to fall back in love with you. I can't. I'm finally happy. This is just ruining it all."

My heart breaks. I was never aware of how Sara took this all.

"I'd rather you hate me than love me, at least then I wouldn't have to see you and I wouldn't have to feel like this." She adds into the silence.

"Feel like what?" I ask quietly.

"Like I'm 16 again and realizing how I'm head over heels for you." She says just as quietly.

"Are you?"

"I don't know." She says quietly. Her back is still turned to me and her heads still in her hands. I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her in a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry." I say.

"I'm sorry, too." She says sadly. I spin her around so she's facing me.

"You know what they say about twins?" I say and removing her hands from her face. She looks straight into my eyes with her identical honey colored ones.

"They say that when two star crossed lovers die, that they are reborn as twins." I say.

She crashed her lips into mine. I feel as if I'm about to faint and my knees go weak, but Sara is quick to wrap her arms around me and hold be up before I collapsed. Her lips are just as soft as I remember. Our lip lock feels as if it lasted for a century before she pulled away from me, our lips making a small smacking sound as they parted.

" I think it's about time to go meet mom." She says. "I'm just going to re adjust myself and then we can leave." She walks to the bath room and closes the door and the sink runs. I have never been so happy, sad, confused, and angry in my entire life.

**_A/n: Thanks for the follows! Reviews are always appreciated. Thank you. c:_**


	9. Chapter 9

I leave the bathroom to find Tegan on the couch twiddling her thumbs.

"Ready?" I ask and her and she nods and we head for the car. I fidget with my shirt sleeves.

The ride to the resturaunt was a quiet one, and I know why. I knew what the elephant in the room is. I kissed Tegan. I kissed her full on the mouth and I feel guilty about it. I cheated on Emy. I felt terrible, but something inside me felt a little happy. Exstatic even. The moment her lips touched my again I felt like part of me wasn't missing anymore. In those mere seconds, I felt every emotion and it seems as if only the bad ones are here to stay.

"Why?" Tegan asked, looking at the road.

"Why what?" I ask her trying to act oblivious. I know that she wanted to just stare me down and give me 'you know what the fuck I'm talking aobut' look, but luckily for my case, she must keep her eyes on the road.

"Why did you kiss me?" She asked swallowing hard. Tegan is always so emotional when she's in love, I find it rather silly.

"I don't know, I just did." I said. I was being honest, but it felt like we were two magnets at that moment, and there was nothing that could've stopped me from pressing my own lips to her identical ones.

She was silent.

"Did it mean anything?" She asked.

"Tegan, it was a simple little kiss, it was no big deal." I said, though it may have been one.

"Sisters don't kiss like that." She said, pulling into the resturaunt. And putting the car in park. She looks at me. I try not to meet her gaze but I do and once those honey eyes look into mine I grab at her face with my hands and kiss her with as much hunger as I could muster. I kiss her slowly and fast and angrily. I begin to get angry and tug on her hair and I'm leaning over the gear shift which is digging into my stomach now and as I finally realease her from my grip she is quick to move her face from mine.

"What the fuck sara!" she says wiping her bottom lip of any saliva. "We're in public!" She gives me an angry look.

" I thought it was what you wanted." I say looking down at my knees. My stomach was on fire and I wanted to throw up and I wanted to punch and kick everything in sight. I fidget with my shirt sleeves.

I feel so messed up and numb as Tegan and I walk into the resturaunt. We get up to the hostess and she escorts us to a booth, where my mom is occupying one side, expecting Tegan and I to sit together on the other. We sit down and our mom smiles at us and tells us happy birthday.

"'Thank you." we say in synch, and mom laughs and we smile awkwardly at eachother. The blush is still in Tegan's cheeks.

Mom asks how I'm liking it at Tegan's and I said it was just fine. She joked saying sharing a bed must make it feel like we're in the womb again, but little does she know how often we slept in bed together after long nights of fucking.

"I'm glad to see you girls are finally on good terms again." she adds into the never ending silence at our table.

"Yeah, me too." Tegan adds to the conversation.

We order our food and I have a glass or two of wine, as does Tegan. She seems to be more open after the first glass and a half. While mom goes to the restroom for a minute I lean over to Tegan and whisper in her ear "Not too much, okay?" She rolls her eyes. " Sara, it's my fucking birthday, I can handle my booze, I'll be fine." She responds.

My mom comes back with a smile on her face and about five minutes later singing errupts somewhere in the building. It gets steadily closer until they're at our table, singing happy birthday to Tegan and I.

"Oooh, twins!" one of the singers says and Tegan grabs my hand under the table as they place a small cake in front of us. When they finish their last round of happy brithday, Tegan and I lean into the cake together to blow out the candles, her hand still clasped around mine, and my lidded eyes are almost blinded from the flast of my moms camera. The troupe of singers clap and then go back to their designated areas of work in the resturaunt. All three of us dig our forks into the tiny personal cake. My mom pays our bill and we walk her to her car.

"So Sara, your flight leaves next week?"

I nod in reasponse.

"Well I'll come over a couple times before you leave. I'll probably be the one driving you back to the airport." She says "I'll call you soon. Love you." She says out the open window, putting her car into drive, and speeding away into the night. Tegan and I walk to her car and get in. It's silent once more. As we drive back to her apartment there's a liquor store.

"Tegan, stop there, please?" I ask. She gives me a questioning look and Pulls into the parking lot.

"I'll be back in a minute." I say and step out the car, walking into the tiny shop. I buy two six packs of beer, I figured that was more than enough for Tegan and I since she also has some wine left at home.

She looks at me wide eyed as I walk up to the car, both hands carrying packs of beer.

"I figured that we need this. Just a drunk night, and what better night than our brithday?" I say. She shrugs and reaches over to my lap to get a beer and I smack her hand away.

"Wait until we're at your house, jackass." I laugh at her and she laughs too.

Walk into her apartment and I set the beer down before going to put something more comfortable on. My phone rings as I pull a tee-shirt over my head. I finish pulling on a pair of sweat pants before I pick up my vibrating phone.

"Hello?"

"Happy birthday, babe!" Emy says enthusiastically.

I giggle and smile. It's nice to hear her voice.

"Thanks baby."

"How has it been? What have you been up to today?"

"It's been a pretty good day. Tegan woke me up, then we drove to a lake that we used to hang out at as kids. We stayed there for a while and then met mom at a resturaunt where she bought us dinner."

"You're actually spending time with Tegan?" She asks shocked. I've mentioned Tegan in the past and she's Emy's seen pictures of her, but never met her.

"Yeah, we've been spending a lot of time together." I say, a sinking feeling in my stomach. "I guess to make up for the lost years."

"Oh, that's good. Maybe she'll come to the wedding." Emy says and it feels like a blow to the stomach. I sit down on Tegan's bed.

" She said she would love to." I manage to get out.

"I'm so excited about it." I can hear the smile in Emy's voice, and I long to be in her arms, kissing her instead of being here with Tegan, sharing even better kisses.

"I miss you so much, Emy."

"I miss you a lot too, Sara. I can't wait till you get home so I can give you your birthday present."

"Oh, I get a present?" I ask slyly. "What could it possibly be?"

"Well you'll have to wait to find out until you get home." She says in a suggestive voice, and I giggle.

"But I want to know! Now I'm excited, you can't leave me hanging like this baby." I say pretending to whine.

"Hmmm...maybe I'll send you something later." She says.

"Mmm, why can't you tell me now?" I smile and lay back on the bed.

"Sara you're such a horny bitch." Emy giggles and I giggle too.

"Are you coming out anytime soon, Sara?" I hear Tegan yell from the living room and I sigh.

"Baby, I have to go, Tegan's bitching." I tell Emy.

"Oh, well okay. I love you so much, Sara. I miss you, have a good time with whatever is remaining of your birthday." She says. " Tell Tegan I said Hi."

"I love you too, Baby. Bye Bye." I say and hang my phone up. I won't tell Tegan that Emy said hi.

I walk into the living room and Tegan heads into the bedroom and closes the door. She comes out a few minutes later wearing something similar to me and I look her up an down. She looks down at herself and then at me.

"Twins." She says while grabbing a beer. Two are already missing from one case. I grab one and sit back down on the couch next to Tegan. We watch t.v, switching between dog the bounty hunter and the dog whisperer. I'm still working on my first beer while Tegan downs her fourth. It makes me feel nervous seeing her drinking like this. I know that if I told her to calm it down she would just get angry, so I try to keep my comments to myself and continue watching the Television. As time wears on I feel Tegan scoot more into my direction, but I choose to ignore it until she's sitting shoulder to shoulder with me.

"Tegan...do you mind?" I say looking at her arm that's squishing into mine.

"Hmm? Oh sorry." She giggles and places an arm around my shoulders, cradling a beer in her other hand. I laugh a little and just ignore her. Tegan's a touchy drunk. It must be how she gets all those girls back over here after nights at the club. After a while of sitting with a drunk Tegan, I fall asleep.

I wake up with Tegan's hot breath on my neck, her lips softly kissing my sensitive skin. I accidentally moan when she lightly nibbles down and she moans too. She's highly intoxicated I can tell. Her arm is still around me, reaching closer to my breasts, I get nervous. Why am I not stopping her? I swallow loudly.

"s-shhh, it'll all be okay, Sasa." She mumbles quietly under her breath and it scares me.

I want to pull away from her grasp and leave. I regret kissing her again, because I know I want more, but it'll ruin me. She reaches a cold hand under my shirt and goose bumps arise on my skin. I shudder as she cups them in her small hands, and she moans, pressing her nose against my neck.

"I've been waiting so fucking long." She slurs. She fumbles with trying to lift my shirt over my head, but I stop her hands.

"Tegan," I look into her eyes, "No."

Her hooded eyes just stare into mine. She smirks.

"Baby, you want this, I know it." and she reaches for my shirt again. I push her hands away and get up.

"No, Tegan." I say making my way towards her room. "I'm going to bed."

She gets up quickly off the couch and presses her lips to mine in a sloppy open mouthed kiss. I try to pull away, but she's stonger than me. She pushes open her bedroom door and moves me toward the bed. I have nothing to do but push her off of me with as much force as I had. She falls back rather hard and hits the wall. She looks engraged.

"You fucking bitch!" She pushes her self off the wall and staggers towards me, placing an open handed slap to my face. I fall to the ground, holding my stinging cheek with one hand, looking up at Tegan. She looks down at me with pure anger. I try and get up, but she sends a kick to my side and I'm back on the ground.

"I HATE YOU!" She yells throwing punches at my curled up form on the floor, missing most, but landing some painful ones. My hands are covering my face and tears are in my eyes behind my fingers.

"YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART!" She cries and picks me up by the colar of my loose shirt and slaps me in the face again. tears begin to stream down my cheeks and I feel the bruises forming on my body from Tegan's blows.

"Tegan, please stop." I beg. I know I can't win against her, I'm weak.

"Shut up,Sara! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She yells in my face, tears running down her face as well. she pushes me onto the bed and straddles me. She tears my shirt off of my body, the sound of ripping cloth fills the room. She leans down and licks my nipples until they're hard and I bite my lip and begin to cry more. I don't want this to feel good. I feel disgusting. She notices my pained facial expression.

"We're just getting started, baby." She coos.

"I'm not your fucking baby." I spit at her. "This was all a fucking mistake. I should've never came back to fix things. You just managed to fuck things up, again."

She slaps me again, and I try not to flinch noticably.

"YOU were the one who left! YOU were the one who was emotionally un-fucking-stable! YOU were the one who flew over here! YOU were the one who offered to sleep in my bed! YOU were the one who kissed me! Sara, you don't even know what the FUCK you're talking about, you hypocritical mother fucker!" She screams at me. I just look her in the eyes. She flips me over and uses my torn shirt to tie my hands behind my back. She begins to pull my pants down from behind. I struggle underneath her weight.

"Please! Tegan! Don't do this!" I yell at her.

"Just one more night." She mocks my words that I said seven years earlier. I begin to sob. I'm terrified.

She pulls down her pants to reveal the strap on I found on her bedstand the first time I came over. She smacks my ass hard. "Up." she says and I cry more. "I SAID UP!" and I push my ass into the air and she bends down and begins eating me out from behind. I cry and it feels so good, which makes me cry even more.

"Such a fucking slut." She spits at me and lines the purple phallus up with my cunt.

"Does Emily fuck you like this? Hmm?" She says plunging herself into me and I moan and sob.

She thrusts slow and deep into me and I struggle against her, so she smacks my ass hard again and tells me to stop or else she'll beat the living shit out of me. I feel so broken. I just lay there and take it.

" Tell me you love me." She says, picking up her pace into me. I stay silent. She thrusts a hard, and it hurts so badly I scream.

"I-I love you." I cry.

"LYING SLUT!" She says and slams into me again. "Now, I'm gonna make you cum like the dirty fucking whore you are."

With that she slowly rolls her hips into mine, the strap-on filling me entirely and I moan out loud. I hate that my body is allowing me to feel pleasure in such a terrifying moment. She begins thrusting fast in short bursts, just leaving the tip inside me, but then again fucks me deep until I feel my walls clench around her and I scream her name. I bury my head into the sheets and cry. She removes herself from me and I'm still crying. I've never hated myself more than I did now. Tegan steps out of the strap on and lies in bed next to my nearly naked, sobbing form. She falls asleep, and my quiet sobs fill the dark empty room.

I was just raped by my sister.


	10. Chapter 10

My phone is ringing loudly throughout my silent apartment. I open my eyes and I'm blinded by the sunlight in my room. I try and sit up, but my head feels like it were a hundred pounds. I fall back on my bed. The phone continues to ring from the living room.

"I'm fucking coming!" I yell into response to the phone as I slowly make my way out of bed.

The bottom half is completely nude. I shrug that off and walk slowly out of my bedroom and into the living room of my apartment. Beer bottles litter the coffee table. I find my ringing phone amongst the clutter.

"Hello?"

"Tegan Rain Quin." Great, it's my mom.

"Hi mom." I say, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and sitting on the couch.

"What the fuck have you done?" Mom says to me, she is legitimately angry.

"I don't know, mom. I just woke up, so I haven't done much."

"Now is not the time to be a smartass, Tegan. What happened last night?"

I try and remember, but the last thing I remember was sitting on the couch with Sara watching tv.

" All I can remember was watching tv with Sara." I tell her.

"Well I want to know why Sara came knocking at my door at 4 in the morning, crying with bruises all over her."

My heart begins to pound.

"What? Are you serious? Is she okay?" I ask, searching around my apartment for her, but it was just me and the empty beer bottles.

"Well I'm not sure, she's alive. She was sobbing hysterically when she got here, she just kept saying your name over and over."

I try and remember last night. I lay back on the couch with my eyes closed.

_I was kissing her neck. She stirred in her sleep, but I continued anyways. She moans and I instantly get wet. I get my hands under her shirt and massage her small breasts. Everything was fine. I tried to take her shirt off, but she said no. I was disappointed. I was mad. She said she was going to bed,but I was quick to grab her before she left and kissed her. It was messy and wet, but I figured it got my point across: that I needed her right then, right now. I continued kissing her and walking us towards the bedroom. She tried to push me away, but she was too weak. I got us to the bedroom and she finally pushed me off. I hit the wall._

"Did you two get in a fight? For christs sake, you are now 31 year old women, not two teenagers. I swear I can't leave you two alone, ever!" She starts nagging to me over the phone.

"Mom, calm the fuck down. Please. I'm trying to remember what even happened."

" What, did you get drunk?" She says, an air of sarcasm in her voice.

"Yeah, I guess I did." I say looking at all the bottles on the table.

"Fucking great, Tegan. Did you two have a fist fight?"

_I send a slap to her face that stings my hand afterward. She attempts to get up just I kick her down. I've never felt so angry. She looks up at me with a look of terror on her face, but it fuels my fire even more. My mind races. I'm taken back to the morning she left. Leaving me alone for almost a decade. We were in love, and she let it all go. I punch her as every sour memory of her fills my mind._

_"You broke my fucking heart." I scream at her. She did. She broke me. Because of her I'll never be normal, I'll never function correctly without her being mine, and I hated her for it. I pick her up off the floor and slap her again, Tears running down our identical faces. I feel good knowing she can't beat me physically. I feel sinister as I push her onto my bed, she's begging me to stop._

"I don't know mom, I can't remember." I say. She sighs loudly over the phone.

"Sara loves you so much, Tegan. She came back to see you. Every time she called me, the first thing she would ask was how you were doing and if you were okay. I told her as much as I could about whats been up with you. She came over here to fix things, she was nervous as hell the day she got here, she was shaking in her seat. I thought that maybe we could be normal, but you runied it." My mom says and my face is contorted with anger.

"You don't even know what the fuck is going on with us, mom!" I yell at her through the phone. "You don't know the fucking half of the problems Sara and I have, so mind your own fucking business mom!" I don't understand what I did to Sara to make her leave, I'm so confused and scared.

"Tegan, call me back when you calm down. You're obviously not stable enough to have a reasonable conversation with me."

"Wait, mom. I'm sorry. Can I please talk to Sara?"

She elicits another sigh.

"Tegan, Sara's gone."

"What?" I ask. My breath is caught in my throat and I feel sick.

"She took the first flight home. You really upset her with whatever you did." She says. "Listen, I have to go. Sort yourself out then give me a call back later." She says and hangs up.

I'm so confused. I walk into my room and step on something : My purple strap-on.

_I tear her shirt off of her and straddle her waist. I bend down and take one of her soft breasts into my mouth and swirl my tounge around her nipple. I hear a moan get caught in her throat, followed by sobs. I can feel her heart pounding. I tell her that we're just getting started and she she tells me she regrets ever coming back. She said this was all my fault, and I get even more angry. I flip her over and use her torn tee-shirt to tie her hands behind her, and I pull her pants down to her ankles. She crying now, still begging me to stop. I slap her ass and she puts her perfectly round ass into the air for me. She's wet. She's such a slut. I bend down and lick her cunt from behind, I know she's forcing herself not to give in. I know somewhere insider her, she wants me to fuck her. If she didn't she would be fighting me harder, instead of giving in like this._

_I pull down my pants and step out of them, walking towards the edge of the bed where my prize is presented infront of me. Such a perfect pussy, I think as I push the purple phallus into my weeping sister. She moans but still continues to cry. Why is she crying? She's ridiculous. I pick up the speed of my thrusts and tell her to stop crying or else I'll beat the shit out of her. She muffles her sobs by pushing her face into the mattress._

_"Tell me you love me." I say, getting off myself, the harness pushing against my clit with each thrust. I smash my hips into her backside,hard. She screams and I get even wetter. _

_"I-I love you." I hear her cry beneath me. I call her a lying slut. She is. She must've never loved me, that's why she left. I want to make her cum. Show her that she did want this, her body knows she wants it. I roll my hips into her, making sure she can feel every move I make. I slowly, lovingly move into her, though it's quick to change once I begin to go faster and faster. I know she's cumming when I see her body tense up. I feel her pussy juices leaking down the strap on and down my thighs. I pull out of her and undo the harness around my hips and climb into bed. Sara's quiet sobs lul me to sleep._

Though some parts are still hazy, last night pieces itself together in my mind. I have never hated myself more in my entire life. It's hard to grasp onto the damage I really did. I cry. I cry so hard and scream so hard and hit my walls so hard that I collapse onto the floor in an exhausted pile of skin and bones. I really am all alone. I go into the kitchen to grab some type of alcohol, anything to numb the feelings that are coming to realization. There's a hand written note on my counter.

_"Dear Tegan,_

_I am leaving. I don't know when I'll ever see you again. Maybe at my wedding, maybe not. What we shared in the past was lovely, but after kissing you I realized it was all the past. It was a nice phase in my life, and I won't regret it, but we all grow up and move on, That's life. Last night you raped me. I hope you think about it whenever you decide to drown yourself in alcohol. Think about how you hit and kicked me. Thin about how the look of terror on my face, because what happened to me last night was traumatizing. I love you. I forgive you. But for now, I cannot deal with you or any feelings that come with you._

_Goodbye for now, _

_Sara."_

I curl up on my floor and let the tears spill. Sara was right, I just hate to admit it. Loving her was a phase in my life that I had to get over, but it's going to be so difficult.

I pick myself up off the floor and begin to clean up my apartment. I clean the bottles off the table. I clear the floor of any clothes or trash, I vacuum and dust. I keep myself occupied for as long as I can. I clean and clean and sing songs to myself while I do so. I do my laundry and pick up my room and drink coffee. I find an old pack of cigarettes in the bottom of one of my dresser drawers. I smoke the stale cigarettes and sing and clean. I don't think of Sara. The day comes and goes. The night hits hard. I don't want to go back to my bedroom. My apartment feels so empty without Sara.

I take my keys and cigarettes and drive around for an hour or two. I end up at my moms house at around midnight. She opens the door in her pajamas and I break down on her doormat.

I cry a lot.

I asked if she'll help me forget about Sara.

She said of course not, because she'll always be in my life.

Sadly she will. I just wish I never had to bring her down.


	11. Chapter 11

Tegan's falls asleep straight away after she's done with me. The room smells of sex and as I slowly get up off the bed, my bottom half hurts. I pull up my pants and I take one of Tegans shirt's that's been thrown carelessly on the floor and put it on. Tears still make their way down my face. I slip on some shoes and grab my suit case. Before I quietly make my way out the silent apartment, I write Tegan a letter and leave it on her counter. It makes me cry more. I walk out of her apartment, rolling my suitcase along with me. It's late at night and I'm terrified I may be mugged. I'm a small woman crying and strolling around with a suitcase. I'm broken and vulnerable. I was just the victim of rape. I can be taken down any moment by anyone. I hail a cab down. Turns out that they don't come around very much at this time at night. I tell the driver where to go, and I cry softly as he drives me to my mother's.

"Are you okay, miss? Are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital? You have some nasty bruises on you." He says.

I say no thank you, please just take me to where I want to go. I appreciate his concern though. Do I really look that roughed up? He pulls up to my mother's and as I pull out money to give him, he declines saying that he won't charge a woman in distress. I give him the money anyways and get to my mother's door, banging on it until she comes to the door.

"Sara, what the-" She starts before I start to openly bawl. I fall into her and she rubs my hair and hush's me. She must be shocked I'm showing this much emotion. She ushers me inside, taking my suitcase for me.

She sits me down in her living room and makes me a cup of tea, I'm still crying hysterically. She holds me on the couch and lets me cry.

"Sweetie, what's wrong? what happened?" she asks.

"T-tegan..T-Tegan." Was all I could say. She turns on the lamp and almost screams.

"Did she do this to you?!" She asks and I just cry more.

She brings me to the bathroom and draws me a bath, and says she'll be waiting for me in the spare bedroom to tuck me in and say goodnight. I feel like a child. She leaves me alone in the bathroom. I rid of my clothes and look at the damage. I have bruises along the side of my rib cage where Tegan kicked me and on my arms where she punched me. Even her slaps left my face bruised. I look like a little abused child. My eyes are red and puffy, my bangs are in my eyes, and I can barely breathe. I step into the water, wincing as my bottom half makes contact with the water. I stay in the tub until the water becomes cold. I feel like an empty shell, I don't even know how to deal with what's happened. When I dry off, I put my clothes back on. The shirt reeks of Tegan, and I cry more. I want to hate her. I want to hurt her and push her and hit her, but I can't. I'm going to unconditionally love and hate her until the end of time.

I walk into the bedroom, still crying. My mom fell asleep. I get in bed next to her and try and sleep but it's no use. She sun is starting to rise, and I lie awake, watching the room become steadily brighter. I know if I slept I would dream about Tegan and what she put me through last night, so I just lay there, giving my body at least some type of rest. My mom begins so stir in her sleep, but I still keep my eyes fixed on the ceiling. I feel her hand gently caress the side of my face and I close my eyes.

"She roughed you up quite a bit, it seems." She says quietly, running her fingers over my bruised skin. My eyes well with tears again. They fall from the corners of my eyes and down to my ears, irritating me. My mom wipes away my tears.

"I want to go home. This was a mistake." I say, my voice very hoarse.

"Sara, can't you two fix it?" She almost begs.

" Not now. I can't even look at her. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to her. I just need to go home."

My mom begins to weep. "I just wanted things fixed. I wanted to have at least one moment in seven years where you two aren't down eachothers throats."

Down eachother's throats.

Like Tegan's tongue down mine last night.

I begin to cry too. I cry as I change my clothes. I cry as my mom drives me to the airport. She cries as well when we reach the gate after changing my ticket. She waits with me for my flight, her hand holding mine, thumb rubbing smooth circles on the back of my hand. We both have silent tears rolling down our faces. The intercom calls for my flight and I get up, hug my mother, tell her I'll call her with more details about the wedding, and I'll see her as soon as I can. She tells me she loves me and hopes that Tegan and I find a way to sort things out. I start to cry again. I feel embarrassed crying in public like this, but I head for my plane. As I step through the gate, I look back see my mom talking on her cellphone with an angry expression on her face. She must be talking to my sister. I walk down a small make shift hallway onto the plane. With the change of my flight being such short notice, I got the crappiest seats on the plane. If I weren't such a small person, I would feel suffocated on this part of the plane. As soon as it takes off I fall asleep. A few hours later, my shoulder is being tapped.

"Miss? The plane has landed." A concerned flight attendant is talking to me, her hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I say quietly, grabbing my carry-on from the cabin above. I walk off the plane and into the airport. I walk to the baggage claim, get my case, and head outside, trying to hail down one of the many taxis waiting for foreginers coming to visit, or residents wanting a ride home.

I finally get one and we take the half hour drive back to my apartment. I step out the car. It smells like fall. There's french accordian music being played in the distance. The bakery across the street just put out fresh baguettes and it smells lovely. This is home.

I walk into the apartment and set down my suitcase.

"Hello?" I hear Emy say, walking into the living room to get a view of who would be coming into her house. I can sense the worry in her voice. She's in her pajamas wearing her cute reading glasses. Once I come into her view her face breaks into the biggest smile and she runs to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and nuzzling her head in my shoulder. I begin to cry. Emy is so perfect.

"Babe, why are you crying?" She asks, her hands on either side of my face, thumbs sweeping across my cheek bones.

"I missed you so much." I'm not lying to her completely, I did miss her very much, though, it wasn't the reason for my tears.

"Why are you here though? You aren't supposed to come back till next week. Did something hap-" She asks before taking a good look at my face. He thumb brushes over the bruise on my face.

"Baby." She says in a broken voice. "Did she do this?" She asks and I cry again. Emy holds me in her arms and I weep like the pathetic person I am.

"Come on, sweetie." She says and leads me to the bedroom. I begin to panic, but realize Emy would never hurt me.

She takes off the sweater I'm wearing and gasps when she sees my bruised arm. She slowly takes off my shirt as well and tears up when she sees my bruised ribs. She lays me down on the bed and kisses me. She kisses my tender cheek, down to my pale blue and purple side. She takes my arm in her hands and kisses all the way from my shoulder blade, to my fingertips. She lands a final kiss on my lips, so soft and warm against my trembling ones. The last person I kissed was Tegan. I feel guilty.

" I love you so much, Sara Quin." She says, laying down next to me in the bed. She pulls the plush comforter over us and runs her fingers through my hair. I close my eyes, leaning into her hand. I never want to kiss anyone else for the rest of my life.

The next day we finalize the day for our wedding.


	12. Chapter 12

I'm in a sleazy club on the bad side of downtown vancouver. I'm standing at the bar, a beer in my hand, bobbing my head to the beat piercing the air, and scoping the dance floor for any girls worth bringing back home.

"Can I buy you a drink?" A voice comes from behind me. I turn around to meet a man about a foot taller than me, with blond hair and green eyes. I may be a lesbian, but he really was beautiful.

"hmm,I don't know, why should I let you?" I smirk up at him.

"Because I'm willing to." He says, moving closer to me. The smell of his axe is making me dizzy. I'm pretty sure I have the same scent in my medicine cabinet at home.

"I'll consider it." I say taking a swig of my beer. He sits next to me at the bar and orders two bottles of the beer I'm drinking.

"I never said I wanted a drink." I told him.

"Who said it was for you? Maybe I'm just really thristy." he smiles at me and I get an unfamiliar feeling in my stomach. Nervousness maybe?

He tells me his name is Mikey. He's a failing musician. He works at a book store not to far from my apartment, apparently.

"What about you?" he asks drinking his beer. I grab the second one he bought.

"There's not much to know. I'm pretty fucked up."

"I think we're all fucked up in some way. Why are you fucked up?"

I take another sip of my beer.

"I fell in love with someone who broke me." I said.

"Any man would be a fool to let you go." Mikey said looking me in the eye and moving closer to me. I giggle and feel flushed.

"I wasn't in love with a boy. I never have been."

"Maybe I can change that?" He said. He leans down and kisses me. I am shocked and I push him away. She looks at me with a blank face. I haven't been kissed by a boy since I was 16 or so. It feels so weird so foreign. I meet Mikey's green-eyed gaze. I'm drunk. I'll regret this, but I don't care right now. I grab him by the collar of his shirt and smash his lips into mine. His stubble scratches against my smooth face. It's irritating, but nice.

It's all a blur: his tounge dancing in and around my mouth, getting into a cab with our lips still conncected, and stumbling into my apartment, undressing eachother.

he lifts me up and pushes me up against my bedroom wall. I wrap my legs around him and kiss his neck. He lets out deep moans. He involintarily thrusts up, and I can feel his hard on through my underwear. I hardly remember even taking eachothers pants off. I moan, getting wetter at the friction. He carries me to my bed, reaching behind me to unhinge my bra. The strapless material falls to the floor as he lays me down. My hands are on his chest as he rests on his elbows on top of me. For some reason, I expected breasts to be in my hands when I touched his chest, but instead I felt smooth pecks. This is different for me. I like being able to groupe a woman and having her moan and whither underneath my fingers. The regret is setting in when he begins kissing down my body. He pushes my legs open and kisses my inner thighs. He pulls off my underwear gently, like a gentleman. I feel his tounge lick me up and down and I moan so loudly, I'm afraid a neighbor might hear me. His fingers find their way inside me and My back arches. He's so good at this. Before I could finish, he stops and sits up on his knees. I sit up as well and pull down his boxers. This is all new to me. I've never been this far with a man and it's a little scary for me. My heart pounds as he pushes me down by my shoulders onto the bed and crawls up my nude body, resting his nude body onto mine and lining himself up with me. He pushes into me and it hurts. My eyes begin to well with tears as he slowly thrusts himself into me. His head is burried into my shoulder and his breathing is starting to get labored. I cry silelntly and moan loudly, because despite how scared I am, this feels amazing. He's pounding into me and moaning just as loud as me, as if we were in a competition to see who could be the loudest. My headboard is banging against the wall. tears are still pouring down my face.

"I-I'm gonna cum." I moan loudly. He picks up his speed even more and I arch my back and feel myself tighten around him. My nails dig into his back. I scream Sara's name. I'm sure Mikey doesn't notice. He is quick to finish inside me. He peels his sweaty body off of mine. I whipe the tears from my eyes, but I'm sure he can't tell I'm crying anyways, since the only light in the room is coming from the moon outside.

"You can sleep here for tonight, if you want.." I say. He kisses me and curls his naked body into mine, spooning me. I still let the tears fall as I try to fall asleep, feeling sick with myself.

I wake up in the morning to an empty bed. I sigh and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to think of one reason to get out of bed. I finally decide on a few and get up to take a shower. My head it pounding.

I turn on the hot water in the shower and stand beneath it. It wash my hair and body and get out. I whipe the condensation from the mirror. My reflection is hideous. My eyes and cheeks are sunken in. The bags under my eyes are darker than usual. My hair sticks to my face. It's about down to my shoulders now. My chest and neck are littered with hickeys, and I feel disgusting. Like a whore. All I seems to do is get drunk and hook up with people every other night. I do an odd job every now and then to keep myself living, just enough to get by. But, this was the first time I slept with a man. It's always been girls who I never speak to again. We somtimes see eachother in the streets, but never talk.

It's early September. It's been almost a year since I've heard from Sara. The last time I saw her, all I can remember was her crying. I remember beating her. I remember trying to get over her.

I sigh to myself and throw on a pair of jeans and a sweater.

I walk out of my apartment down to the pharmacy.

I feel sick to my stomach as I ask the pharmacist for Plan B. I pay for the pills and head back home, my wet hair cold against the sides of my face and neck.

I place a pill on my tounge and drink a glass of water.

There is a knock on my door. Before I can go answer it, Kat walks in.

"Hey Tee." She says, taking a seat on my couch.

After Sara went back to Montreal last year, I gave Kat a call, needing someone to take my mind off my sister. We got drunk and fucked a few times. On our fith "date", I decided to stay sober. It made me realize how smart and insightful Kat really is. She's beautiful. She's been there all the times I was crying over Sara, and she's tried to help me clean up my act in the past, but it never stuck to me. She spends the night sometimes. We order take out and watch tv together. She knows that I sleep around and that I get fucked up all the time, but she's understanding and doesn't pass judgement. She's become one of the only stable things in my life. We aren't together, but I think I love her. I think she loves me. I don't think I'd ever want to admit it.

I step into the living room and sit next to her on the couch. I stare ahead but see that she's looking at me in my periferal vision. She brushes back my hair and looks at my neck. I close my eyes and clench my jaw. I hate myself.

"These are some knarly love bites." She says.

"I had sex with a guy last night." I said.

"Oh..."

"I hated it. I hate myself because of it."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Tegan." She says wrapping an arm around me. I want to cry, but all my tears are gone.

"You're just having a hard time. It'll all get better at some point." She reassure me.

"It it fucking won't, Kat. I've been tellign myself that for the past 8 years, and it hasn't helped. I've just gotten steadily worse, and I don't know if I'll ever be normal again."

"You spend all your time getting drunk and fucking people. It doesn't seem that you try hard enough."

I get angry and stand up looking down at her.

"Fuck you, Kat! You don't know what I'm fucking going through! You won't ever understand! Just fuck off!" I yell at her. She stands up and looks at me.

"Stop drinking, stop fucking. Maybe then you'll learn to make yourself better." She spits at me and heads for the door. My chest feels constricted and I want to throw up.

"Kat wait." I say and she stops with her hand on the door knob. She turns around and looks at me with her beautiful blue, doe eyes. She runs at me, wrapping her arms around me and kissing me.

The tears fall.

"I want you to be the one that makes me better." I say.

"I think I love you." I cry.

"I'm sorry." I sob.

She holds me, and we stand in my living room.

Kat moves in with me a week later.

It is now october and I am 32. I think of Sara on our birthday. I think of what happened last year and it pained me all day. Kat bought me a promise ring for my birthday and I laughed sayign we aren't two dopey teenagers, and she said we were two dopey adults. I kissed her with a smile on my face. Kat is now the only person I get drunk with. She reads with me, she makes me tea, she takes baths with me, and walks me to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I begin to think of Sara less and less. I think I am in love. I'm sure I'm in love.

It is the end of October.

I check my mail and I notice a beautiful envelope with my name on it. There is no return adress. I walk back into my apartment and sit on my couch next to Kat, who is on her laptop.

I open the envelope.

There is a small card inside with beautiful earthtoned designs all over it. I open the card.

_You are invited to the wedding of Sara Quin and Emily Storey._

The location and date is underneath.

They are due for a Spring wedding in april.

I want to punch something. I want to cry. I want to drink. I want to die.

Kat looks over at me.

"Ohh, What's that Tegan.?"

I shut my eyes but then turn towards her.

"Sara's wedding invitation." I say, trying to smile.

"Would you like to go with me?" I ask her. She jumps up and down in her seat and hugs me.

"I love weddings!" she says.

I am in love, I am sure.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm in my hotel room, looking in the mirror. I look at my white suit and adjust my black bowtie. I look roll up my pants a tiny bit so you can see my ankles between the bottom of my white slacks and the top of my white oxfords. I push my over grown bangs behind my ear. I'm nervous.

It's my weeding day.

I know somewhere out there, people are just starting to make their way towards the location of the ceremony, on the country side of montreal, in a beautiful feild. All the flowers will be in bloom. The sight will be as breathtaking as my fiance.

Emy and I have been waiting for this moment for months. Almost a year. We sent out at least a hundred invitations. I even sent one to Tegan. I haven't spoken to her ever since our birthday last year. I still think about it. I have nightmares. But she did say she wanted to come to the wedding a few days prior to our incident, so I kept my promise of inviting her. She never rsvp'd, but I told the wedding planner to put her down anyways. I have high hopes that maybe I'll see her there. I called my mom and asked if Tegan said anything about the wedding, and she said no. Apparently she's always talking about her new girlfriend. I think her name is Kat. I'm pretty sure Kat was the blonde woman I met when Tegana and I were having coffee together one day back in Vancouver.

There's a knock on the hotel room door. I sigh and walk over to open it. My mom is standing in the door way with a smile and tears in her eyes. She hugs me.

"You look beautiful." She says, running her fingers through my hair and I smile with her. "Emy is so lucky to have you. You both are so lucky to have eachother." She says looking over my face, seeing if I wore any make-up.

"I'm lucky to have gotten her, I'm such a fool." I say, laughing a bit. My mom laughs with me too.

"Are you about ready?" She asks, and I say yes.

"I really wish your sister was here to see this." She says as we leave my hotel room and get into the fancy black car that will be driving us to the location of the wedding. There's a second black car behind ours, waiting to drive Emy and her parents. We decided we wanted to play it old school, so I haven't seen her for the past day in the half, spending my nights in the hotel.

"I stopped to see Emy before I came over to get you. She looks absolutely stunning."

I smile to myself thinking of my soon to be wife. Her shoulder length brown hair, her beautiful smile, her creative mind. She still sometimes gives me butterflies and it makes me feel like a lame teenager. I am so in love.

It takes us about thirty minutes to get the the feild, where there are cars parked, and in the distance I can see the wedding arch and chairs filled with people. My stomach drops. The fact that I will soon be married scares me, but it's also exciting for me. I can hear the soft violin music, beginning to que my arrival. My mom walks me to the start of the walkway. It's such a beautiful view. An endless cascade of green, white flowers in bloom, an occasional tree scattered here and there. As I step up to the walkway the music stops and everyone turns to face in my direction. I try not to look at any one and stare straight ahead as the violin player begins to play the wedding march, the rest of the band joining her after a few measures. My mother links her arm into mine and she walks me down the isle. She is smiling, and I see the photographer towards the front of the altar, taking pictures of us as we come closer. The occasional flash is coming from cameras in the crowd. I try to not look as nervous as I feel. As we get to the altar, my mother kisses my cheek and sits down in the front. I don't watch her as she sits, but stare straight ahead of me. I close my eyes for a breif moment and hold my breath, trying to remember if I brought my inhaler. I descreetly pat down my jacket, and feeling my familiar L-shaped tool in my breast pocket on the inside of the jacket and sigh of relief. I open my eyes when I hear the rustel of people standing, and see Emy's niece walking down the isle, throwing yellow rose pedals on the ground. I look beind her and see a beautiful vision in white, holding a bouqet of yellow flowers, my favorite color. Emy is being escorted by both her parents, her fathers face proud, her mother's face smiling and teary. Emy's smile is big and her eyes meet mine at the opposite end of the isle and my heart skips a beat. I look at the audience, to make sure everyone is watching my beautiful fiance walk, but someones head is facing me. A face identical to mine is staring right into mine, gummy smile and all. Her hand is holding a petit blond woman who is facing to look at Emy. I stare at Tegan, my mouth ajar. I feel a range or emotions. I feel anger, sadness, happiness, excitement. I'm not even aware of the tears running down my face, when I finally take my eyes off her, Emy is making her way across from me and her parents make their way to their front seats. I face her. She never stops smiling. She brings her hand to whipe away a tear running down my cheek. There's a flash and people are awwing. I feel myself blush. Emy thinks I'm crying tears over here, when really they're for a completely different reason.

The minister asks if anyone objects our marriage. I feel my insides clench and think Tegan would be the one to stand up and scream to everyone "I object!" and drag me from the altar and to a car to a plane to a place where we could've been happy. I look at Tegan and she's still giving me that big goofy smile, her girlfriend smiling at me as well. Tegan gives me a thumbs up and I nod slightly bringing my attention back to Emy. I take note that she didn't wear heels today, and I am thankful.

We say our vows, Emy begins to cry and I whipe away a tear of hers, gaining another 'aww' from our friends an family, and another flash of a camera. When time for the rings, Emy's mother comes and gives her a little box, and I pull my little box from my pocket.

"Do you, Emily Storey, take Sara Quin as your lawfully wedded wife?" The minister asks.

"I do." She says sweetly. I slip the ring on her hand and continue to hold it, flash, my thumb rubbing over the back of it.

"And do you, Sara Quin, take Emily Storey as your lawfully wedded wife?" He askes once more.

My heart pounds in my ears. I feel a cold sweat on my brow.

"I do." I say and Emy slips the golden band onto my finger. Flash.

"I know pronounce you wife and wife, you may now kiss the bride." The minister exclaims.

I crap my arms around my wifes waist and pull her close, capturing her lips in mine. She slings her arms over my shoulders, hand on the back of my head. Flash flash flash.

Every one claps and cheers and I pull away from Emy and see my mother crying in the front. I see Tegan clapping along with her girlfriend who has tears running down her face. Tegan looks at her and I see her put her arm around the womans waist. I read her lips.

"Baby, don't cry " she says. with a smile on her face. She kisses her cheek sweetly as the girl smiles with tears still in her eyes, looking at Emy and I holding hands in front of the altar.

Watching the sweet exchange broke my heart but finally mended it.

Tegan is over me.

I'm over Tegan.

Maybe we'll lead normal lives now.

At least now I know I won't be leaving her dancing alone to songs from the past.


End file.
